Since becoming a Big Daddy member…

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I stay positive. No apologies.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I am now known as the happy birthday guy.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

Chuck Norris has been telling people he knows me.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

IKEA instructions just say “you know what you’re doing.”

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I can eat chicken noodle soup with a baseball bat.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

my in-laws call before visiting. Sometimes I answer. Keep them hopeful.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I figured out what was on Joey’s head in Nickelback.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I get weekly pedicures with retro-brightening nails.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

even my search history deletes itself out of respect.

Since becoming a Big Bad Daddy member,

I no longer fall for the puppies-in-a-van trick.

Since subscribing to Darth Tuba’s YouTube channel, I became a Big Daddy member.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I don’t get parking tickets. I get little notes saying they’re incredible.

Ever since I became a Star Wars Daddy member,

my urinal aim is 100% on target.

Ever since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I’m growing extra teeth behind my earlobes.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

the gym’s asked me to stop coming. Something about me being too jacked.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

my neighbors keep gifting me Home Depot R2-D2s, mint in the box, and I don’t know what to do with all the [unclear].

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I wish I was on Universal Basic High Income.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

the lads stand when I enter the pub. It’s a lovely gesture, but I only need one chair.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I let someone buy me a pint. He’s put it on his resume.

Since I became a Big Daddy member,

it never trickles in. It’s a full-on blaster, baby.

I like sipping from a fire hose, Daddy. Big Daddy membership quenches the thirst.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

my wife says I’m full of myself. Nice to finally have her agree I’m the complete package.

Ever since he became a Big Daddy member,

he looks 20 years younger.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I’ve had to register these pythons with the local zoo.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member of the Death Star gym, these pythons sure secure the winning bid.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

all the other channels want to give me memberships for free.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

my finger strength has become Incredible Hulk fingers because of all this bidding.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I have finally decided to name my first child Carl Bob.

It might be too much information. Since becoming a Big Daddy member, my bollocks have been upgraded to crown jewels. Visiting hours are strictly by appointment.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I finally realized two plus two equals free.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I’ve started signing autographs. The bloke from UPS says initials are fine, but I know what he really wants.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I am confident in tying my…

Since he got his membership,

he became Warwick Davis.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

he has been Thunderstruck.

I wore a Star Wars Daddy shirt to a football game last week and the refs asked me to the coin toss.

Ever since I became a Star Wars Daddy member,

I’ve been able to bench press 350.

I was panhandling until three months ago, then became a Big [Daddy member] and bang.

Ever since he became a Big Daddy member,

he no longer makes poor decisions. “I acquire priceless investment pieces.”

Houston was also a stupid idiot before becoming a Star Wars Daddy member. Now he’s only stupid.

Houston’s found his inner self becoming a member of Star Wars [Daddy].

Ever since I became a Big Daddy member,

I’ve got a bloke who makes things disappear. Mostly my wages.

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I realized my true enemy is…

Since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

I realized Tuba actually executed Order 66.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

he’s made a ton of new friends.

Today Mrs. Michael Hyland and I celebrate 23 years of marriage. And as a Big Daddy member, I am still allowed to watch the show.

My members-only shirt allows me to cut the line at any buffet by gesturing to my chest.

Since he became a Big Daddy member,

he doesn’t wear a watch. “I get to decide what time it is.”

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I have been banned from the garden center for making the hose [unclear].

Ever since I joined the Star Wars Daddy membership program,

my band plays in tune.

Quick tip: since becoming a Star Wars Daddy member,

ripping off band-aids doesn’t hurt anymore.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

whenever I slice onions, the onions cry.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

I can delete things on my laptop with just one click and not two.

Got a tattoo at the tattoo convention, and since becoming a member, it didn’t hurt.

The Star Wars Daddy benefits are kicking in. My A1C came back so sweet. My PP test said “thank you.” And the doctor asked if I’d give him a colonoscopy. I declined, but at my age it’s a nice ask.

Since becoming a Big Daddy,

the ladies treat him like he has the biggest lightsaber in the galaxy.

Since becoming a Big Daddy member,

when the police pull me over, they make me write them a ticket.

After becoming a member,

I was upgraded to first class on a flight I wasn’t taking. A stranger at Costco whispered, “It’s him,” in the tire center. And my teenage daughter invited me into her room.

Now that I’m a Big Daddy member,

I show up sleeveless to TED talks. No reservations, no invitation, just telling people how it is. Thank you, Star Wars Daddy.

Since I became a member,

my wife gets mad when a box of figures doesn’t show up in the mail. I don’t know what you’ve done, Star Wars Daddy, but thank you.

I gained so much respect when I became a Big Daddy member that my employees came to me and asked for a pay cut.

Big Daddy membership adds hair to your chest, improves your Wi-Fi reception, and legally entitles you to win any argument that begins with “As a member…”

Ever since I became a member,

I…

Ever since he became a member,

his wife calls him Big Daddy.

As a member, is it normal to have more confidence and feel more awesome than people at work?